Redefining Strength Through Adversity with Taya DiCarlo | Ep 29

Taya: 00:00:01

You don't have to tell the person you forgive them, because forgiveness is not for them. It's for you, the person who wants to give it back to forgive.

Forgive back that anger, forgive back that resentment and all of the ugliness and betrayal and grief and trauma, all the things that were done to you that were wrong. And I'm not just talking about marriage. I'm talking about life.

Arjun: 00:00:34

ly that. It was very special.: 2024

One of its best known and recognizable thought leaders and brands is Taya decarlo, a very successful and well known real estate agent in the southern part of California. And she is somebody that I connected with a long time ago just through social media, but someone I looked up to tremendously, I still do to this day.

We've developed a really close friendship and she talked a lot about the struggles of carrying around feelings and guilt and a lot of things that stem from either childhood or just our backgrounds and, and how it's affecting us in our day to day life now, how to put that down instead of necessarily always feeling like you must let it go.

This and a variety of other topics that I think are really good for the soul, particularly around this time of year, are what we got into in this episode. So I hope you enjoy the show. Taya, thanks for doing this with me, my friend. I appreciate it on your return trip to your hometown.

Taya: 00:01:49

Yes, you're welcome. Thank you for having me. I should be thanking you.

Arjun: 00:01:52

No, never. I appreciate you. And you know, in this world of social media, which is how you and I met, we found each other online.

I saw you and started following you and have been so inspired by you over the years in my business and everything, but when we look at each other online, there's this image or this idea that everything is great and everyone's winning. And the essence of this podcast and the show is that it's not always like that, but it's about how you bounce back. It's how you get up.

You've had a year.

Taya: 00:02:20

Oh my God, it's a year I, I'd like to forget, but it's actually a year I. I'm choosing to remember. How about that? We'll circle back to that.

Arjun: 00:02:27

Okay. And I want you to talk to me a little bit about it because that's reality and Instagram is not reality.

Taya: 00:02:34

Say it Louder for people in the back.

Arjun: 00:02:35

Instagram is not reality.

Taya: 00:02:38

Well, and I think more importantly, the joy and the happiness and the excitement and the success that I put online and that you put online, it's genuine. It is not this fugazi, if you will. Right. It's not pretend. It's not affront.

It's that I think people need to understand the context that life is not always these successful moments. Instagram is very curated. LinkedIn is very curated. YouTube is very curated.

In fact, I would say that if we really were honest people and everyone started posting when they're having a shitty day or when they're having a sad moment, that people would tune out.

But there's a fine balance with that, because I have found that the moments where I've chosen to be vulnerable and share a little snippet, it really brings people in and they see pieces of themselves in it, even if I'm being completely vague about what it is I'm dealing with. And I get labeled as this brave, courageous person, and I'm like, but, guys, we're all going through shit.

I just have the audacity to say it every now and then. I don't talk about it all the time. And I think that that's confusing to me sometimes because I'm like, I don't consider myself special.

I don't consider my story unique. In fact, I consider my story all too common.

Arjun: 00:04:04

Yeah, you're not a victim.

Taya: 00:04:06

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not at all.

Arjun: 00:04:08

No.

Taya: 00:04:09

So I. I like that I share a lot of the positive things in my life because I get inspired by other positive people and when they post positive things.

But let's be real. When shit's going down, sometimes I don't want to see that shit.

Sometimes when I'm upset or I'm depressed or I'm angry, the last thing I want to see is a motivational quote or somebody riding high on the Amalfi Coast. I'm like, fuck are you? You know what I mean? I want to be on the Amalfi coast.

Arjun: 00:04:41

Instead, I'm here in Shittown.

Taya: 00:04:42

Exactly. And you're like, I'm suffering and nobody knows it. And it's like, it's really interesting social media. If you think about it too hard, you'll quit.

It's a really weird world that we live in right now. And so I have found this year, this past year, I should say, I've been redefining my relationship with social media.

Arjun: 00:05:04

Yeah, because you took a break. For those that follow you and know you you were off the grid, so to speak, for a little bit, because you were fighting some battles.

Taya: 00:05:12

Yeah.

Arjun: 00:05:13

And going back to talking about, you know, you keeping it real and sometimes sharing something personal that may not be glamour and glitz and winning. One of your best performing pieces of content was when you talked about your divorce.

And you were just being raw and real and vulnerable and honest with everybody. And it was one of your best. Not that you did it for that intention.

Taya: 00:05:34

No, it actually blew my mind. I mean, I remember the day I made that video, and I did it with the intention of, wow, if this could help one person.

a few days after Christmas in: 2021

And I posted this video almost a year to the date, a year later. And I had gone on all these trips, and yes, it was hard, and there were moments where I was, like, really sad.

But I also felt extreme moments of hope and excitement and redefining who I am. And I also felt like, wow, if I live to be 80, I'm only halfway through, baby. Like, I've got a whole life ahead of me. This is so exciting.

And I know what divorce is. My parents got divorced when I was 2. I can do this. But I. In that moment, yes, all these people came and reached out to me.

And the video has over 1.3 million views. The DMs were off the charts.

I had women as far as Australia DMing me, saying that they had been borderline suicidal with their own situation, and that watching my video gave them hope. And they've watched it over and over again. I'm like, oh, my God, first of all, I'm so sorry. Your life is worth living. And here's the hotline.

But I was blown away by the response of that video. And I rarely have posted any information about my divorce since. And for anyone who's not aware, I'm still going through it.

And I think that the misconception how one piece of content, as honest as it may be, is only a slice of someone's life. And it's the slices that I'm willing to share. But people don't know the darkness.

People don't know that since that video, I have had two years of a journey that unfolded during this divorce that I had no idea. And it's none of anyone's business the details of it, because I want to protect my children.

And in a way, I do want to protect the father of my children. Because whether I like it or not and whether he likes it or not, we're a team, baby. We're a team till the end.

Because we have humans, we have humans that love us. And so I've learned what grit is. I've learned the real meaning of tenacity. I've learned that no one gives a shit.

And I think that that has been the hardest lesson, is like posting that one piece of content and being like, okay, there's a lot of people out there, but I don't want this to define me. So I made a video about my divorce. Who gives a shit? And it wasn't even really about my divorce. It was like the difference a year makes, right?

Look at all these lessons that I've learned. And then everyone projects their own narrative. But since then, and now over three years, I've been dealing with this and it will come to an end soon.

But now I'm navigating new waters that have been so deep and so dark that I don't want to share em. And so that has been this whole new world where I've had to put on a brave face. Listen to my body.

When my body says it needs a break, when my mind says it needs a break, to not push through every single time and to know, is this in my head or is this in my body?

Arjun: 00:09:04

And I think that's important for people listening to grasp is because when you're going through something we hear so much about, like, you gotta be tough and just go through it, go through it and fight and endure and persevere and get to the other side. And it's not that easy and nor is it that healthy, like taking time out for yourself the way you have. But there's two hats you wear.

You're a mom first. I mean, you're Thea, the human first. You have to take care of yourself. But a mom. And I know those boys are your biggest and greatest priority.

And you're a rock for them. I see it all the time. I admire it. As a fellow parent, like, I really respect it probably more than anything about you. I do.

And I've seen what you've done in the last year with them. They still come first. So bless you for that. But you've had to carry a weight of very unpleasant luggage.

Rocks, boulders, like things that you want to just throw out and be done with, but you can't because it's just not the sequence of time. It's not working that way for you.

What do you tell people about letting go of certain Things, you know, that we all carry things when we're going through shit, and sometimes we carry it for much longer, even when the shit's done. But what do you tell people out there that are carrying something that it's.

They should have probably let go of it by now or maybe even forgiven themself.

Taya: 00:10:19

Yeah. And let's talk about what it is, because aside from navigate, let's just call it hard times.

Because whether you're someone who's navigating the end of a long relationship, like a 15 plus year marriage or relationship, or maybe you're navigating a terminal illness, maybe you're navigating a child who has special needs, maybe you're navigating caring for a sick parent, maybe that parent has to move in with you. I'm not saying these are my things, but these are things that they're our things.

As we talked about, everyone's navigating a private battle that no one knows about, nor do they need to tell the world. But I think it needs to be said that the vast majority of us do not escape this life without some adversity.

And so when you're navigating adversity, whether that's substance abuse, loss, breakup, betrayal, grief, grief of any kind. And that's what it is. It's grief.

It's grieving the life that you thought you had, grieving the future that you thought you were gonna have and look forward to. It's like being a little child that the parent or the guardian is going, I know you want it, but I'm sorry, it's just not gonna happen, period.

And you want to kick and you want to scream and you're like, well, what about tomorrow and what about next week? Never. Oh my God. Even as a grown ass adult, you're like, what do you mean never? Well, there's a way we can figure that out.

Arjun: 00:11:53

What do you mean? What the fuck do you mean?

Taya: 00:11:54

Like, if someone has a terminal illness, you're like, well, what the fuck are you talking about? I have how many months? What? It's like, no.

And so I think as human beings, when we're navigating that grief and that heaviness, my therapist, I call her my fairy godmother, Dr. Dana, Dr. D. I'm like, when you write a book, I'll write the foreword. You're gonna be famous. I'll manage your Instagram.

Arjun: 00:12:15

There you go. You do that.

Taya: 00:12:16

Well, thank you. But she said, look, letting go implies that you're condoning. So when people say, God, she should be over that by now. He should be over that by now.

Unless you've walked in that person's shoes and navigated whatever steep mountain they've been scaling for the length of time that they've been climbing. Shut up. You do not have the right to judge someone's journey. If they want to carry that heavy backpack up that mountain, let them.

That's their baggage, and that's their choice. And they have to be the ones.

Whether that baggage is substance abuse, whether that baggage is grief, betrayal, anger, resentment, fear, whatever it is, that human being has to be the one to realize that they're even wearing the backpack. Right? And so with Dr.

Dana, she's like, look, letting go of something does not mean you're letting that person off the hook or saying that that shitty situation doesn't matter. It's not that. It's that you're carrying this. And the longer you carry it, the heavier it gets.

Even if you were to carry two pounds right now, if you hold onto that two pounds in your hands, by the end of the day, it's gonna hurt. So I have learned that words are very important.

And she has said, you know, the way we talk to ourselves, the words that we use in life, they call it spelling, because words cast spells. So instead of saying, let it go, I say, you know, I can put it down.

So if I have my resentment and I have my anger, if I carry it every day, that is like taking poison and expecting the other person to suffer. And I have now realized that when I'm feeling this resentment and feeling this anger, that I am not resentful. I am not angry. I'm feeling it.

And it's heavy. And I have a choice to put it down.

Arjun: 00:14:14

So.

Taya: 00:14:14

ents have been divorced since: 1984

I'm a Bay Area native. And it was a very tumultuous relationship. And divorce. And I won't get into the details, but it was U, G, L, Y. Okay.

And my parents, in spite of all that, we always spent Christmas together. My dad would always come over and he would bring the Christmas bag, and he would.

My dad was a cop, and he'd take his little nightstick, and we always knew it was him. Cause he'd go, dent denh. Nah, nah, nah, nah. We're like, dad's here. And he would show up Unexpectedly. With his cop car and everything.

st forward to Thanksgiving of: 2024

I mean, just, like, really, I thought I was just gonna quit. Quit everything, you know? I just wanted to, like, give up.

And so my brother, his fiance, and their kids, and my mom and my dad all drove down from the Bay Area.

But the kicker was that my dad's girlfriend stayed back with her elderly mother, and my mom's boyfriend stayed back with his adult children and grandkids.

Arjun: 00:15:34

Uh.

Taya: 00:15:35

Oh, and like, a rom com from the 90s. My mom and my dad drove down from Sonoma all the way to LA together in the same car.

Arjun: 00:15:47

Nine hours. Yeah, eight hours.

Taya: 00:15:49

And I'm like, I don't know. Is this a good idea? This is either gonna turn into a rom com or a Dateline episode. I don't know. You know, anything's possible.

Arjun: 00:15:58

And he is a cop.

Taya: 00:15:59

I'm like, oh, my God. And so they got there, and they pull up to my house, and I'm like, hi, guys. And they're like, hey, honey. And I'm like, are you guys all right?

And they're like, oh, the drive was great. And I'm like, something's going on. Like, I'm in a Twilight episode. I was like, okay. And then my dad was like, I'm just gonna stay here tonight.

I'll go to the hotel tomorrow. And I was like, are you guys gonna share a bed? Like, what's going on? Like, no, they did not. Okay. But very, like, friends. Not flirtatious.

Just, like, friends and, like, getting along. And I got to spend Thanksgiving for the first time in my life with my mom and my dad and my brother.

Arjun: 00:16:39

I'm 42 years old on the heels of the hardest year of your life. And 40 years after their divorce, in your lifetime, you finally spent a Thanksgiving with both of them. That's amazing.

Taya: 00:16:51

And the weirdest moment, the most profound moment for me is that the. My neighbor across the street, like, the whole weekend or the whole week was done. It was just two nights, and nobody fought.

My dad's Greek and my mom's Irish. Okay.

Arjun: 00:17:08

Combustible. Combustible.

Taya: 00:17:10

Fire. And fire totally throw alcohol in the mix. It's like, whoa, anything can happen.

Arjun: 00:17:15

Scorched earth.

Taya: 00:17:16

I mean, but it's a fun time. We're fun. We're loud and we're hilarious. But we had the best time.

And when it was time for them to leave, they got in the Car, the two of them, like, so weird. My neighbors across the street. And I said, carol, these are my parents. I don't think I've ever said that.

And my mom and my dad didn't think anything of it, but, like, I'm 42, and, like, I got to say, these were my parents. And I know this sounds so simple and so stupid.

Arjun: 00:18:19

It's not.

Taya: 00:18:20

But, like, it was so special to me because knowing their history and if you guys really knew, I mean, you would never guess that these two would ever be in the same car ever. Let alone the same room. You know what I mean?

Arjun: 00:18:38

Probably shouldn't have been.

Taya: 00:18:39

Yeah.

But they drove off, and I thought about it, and I got to thinking that, like, my sons got to witness my parents, who they know are divorced and they know have significant others, and they got to be like, you know Yaya and Papu, right? Even though my mom's not Greek, they call her Yaya. And my youngest son goes, yaya, are you going to kiss Papu on the lips? Like, no.

You know, but that was just his innocent way of being like, yeah, they're not romantic, but they can be friendly with each other. And the best part about it is that it wasn't. It wasn't to appease me. It was real and it was genuine.

And I'm not in a place where I forgive my ex, but I want to get there because anger and resentment get really heavy the longer you carry them. And I don't think it would be fair to my kids to feel the level of joy that I felt witnessing my parents. I don't want them to have to.

Arjun: 00:19:59

Be 40 and wait that long.

Taya: 00:20:01

They're 8 and 10. Now is when it matters.

Arjun: 00:20:07

Well, I think because you've been through what you have and that you had this beautiful moment just weeks ago over Thanksgiving, two weeks. I mean, it's not even that old and so fresh. And I appreciate you sharing that and being so vulnerable about it. It's beautiful.

But for them to go through what they went through, and for 40 years of your life, it being pretty much a rollercoaster, most of it being ugly, awful.

Taya: 00:20:30

I mean, I loved my childhood, but, yeah, it was ugly between them.

Arjun: 00:20:34

But the lesson in this is that it can happen. Everybody can get to a place.

We can still, despite starting sometimes from insincere beginnings or ground, we can still arrive at a place of sincerity. And your parents did. In this beautiful moment that you get to keep forever.

Taya: 00:20:50

But I want to point out. I want to point out it wasn't just My parents. It was specifically my mom. It was specifically my mom because. Let's not get it twisted.

I love my parents individually, and even as a child, when they were fighting all the time, like, I love my dad, and I love my mom absolutely for the imperfectly perfect people that they are. But what I noticed in my mom, I was always, as a child, very angry at her for not letting it go. My brother and I would be like, God, mom, we get it.

Ugh. Like, get over it. And we were just so angry that she was angry. We're like, move on. Like, why do you have to make this so awkward?

And we were angry at her. She was the one who was wronged. Think about it. How unfair were we to judge her? So the epiphany that I had watching my parents was not my parents.

It was watching my mom. And witness what I thought. Like, letting someone off the hook is like a weak moment, but it's not.

In fact, that was me witnessing this genuine moment of her putting it down. She took that. She could still have that anger every once in a while. I'm sure it doesn't matter how much time has passed, right?

She decided she made a conscious choice. I'm going to have fun with my grandkids and their grandfather, because that's who he is.

And it was so beautiful to witness her courage and her strength, because for the longest time, I never thought that that's what it was. And I got to look at myself and be like, anyone can roll their eyes and go, well, duh. Like, come on, let it go.

Can't you see that you're gonna have so much freedom and life's gonna be great if you just fucking let it go. Fuck you. I'll let it go when I want to. Maybe I like that it's heavy right now. I don't know, right? It's like.

But for me, witnessing my mom, I was like, wow, this is special. And she's way stronger and braver than I ever gave her credit for. And she said, wow, honey, I didn't realize that this would mean so much to you.

And I said, that's exactly why it does, because you didn't do it on purpose. It was real. And so, for me, I now see that the true definition of forgiveness is not letting someone off the hook. And here's the kicker.

You don't have to tell the person you forgive them, because forgiveness is not for them. It's for you, the person who wants to give it back to forgive. Forgive back that anger, forgive back that resentment.

And all of the ugliness and betrayal and grief and trauma, all the things that were done to you that were wrong. And I'm not just talking about marriage. I'm talking about life. You're not letting that person off the hook. You're not letting God off the hook. Right.

You gotta actually understand that forgiveness is giving yourself peace and giving back the wrongness that was never yours to begin with. And so for me, I don't know what that looks like. I don't know when it's going to be. But I can promise you this. My children will not be 40.

They will not be 40. I will not carry it for that long. I will learn. I will learn how to forgive. And I know that it will come very organically and very naturally.

And that's the path that I'm on right now. And I know that when I'm ready, I'm not gonna tell him. I'm sure he'll watch this so he can just wait on the edge of his seat.

I'm never gonna tell him verbally. But I will know in my heart and I will show that I've put it down, not let it go.

Show that I've put it down through acts of respect, acts of kindness, and exuding the light that I am common decency. Yeah. Because, yeah, it's common decency. It's being a human, it's being empathetic. And I don't need it in return. I don't need validation.

And it's not just for him, anyone. And so this translates into business because it's like I'm now leaning into the courage that it takes to be on social media and coming back.

Yeah, to coming back and to forgiving myself for not losing my self confidence, but for getting buried.

Arjun: 00:25:46

I mean, and you had every right to.

I mean, given what you've gone through and what you've shared here, which again, is appreciated by all of us, me especially, but I know by our audience, because somebody listening to this is going through something dark, whether it's within their marriage, within their household, or they're finding out after the fact, like you so painfully had to. You're discovering things well after the fact, and you're still finding ways to put it together.

I would say the beautiful takeaway there in that story you shared about that your boys won't be 40 when they get this and see their mom do it, because you waited this long and it was this powerful moment and you don't want to do that for them. And what you witnessed with your Mom. And putting it down for the greater good. And just because it was time to. And everyone's on their own journey.

If it took her 40 years to do it, so be it. It took her 40 years. It's your choice, as you're stating that you don't want.

Want to wait that long, and you won't wait that long, but you'll do it in your own time.

LFG energy, in the essence of it, and is so much focused on, like, going and attacking and being resilient and fighting back and breaking through and pushing when it was hard, when your back was against the wall. But what you're talking about is a different way of doing that, because what I refer to in the. In the former there is the physicality of it.

What you're having to do is such emotional, mental, mental nervous system, all these frameworks that have to be created, and they're all new. You're doing this all for the first time. It's not like you had training for this.

You know, when I say, because I ask guests this question, it's always the last question I ask them is, what does LFG energy mean to you? I feel like I'm answering it for you, but it's. It's a bit of what you shared, and it's something new for me to hear from a guest for the first time.

Because we normally focus so much on the physical or the exterior or the action that you take. But yours is. So it's the total opposite. It's all looking inward. It's forgiving. It's that.

But tell me in your own words, what does LFG energy mean to you? In the spirit of today's story?

Taya: 00:27:42

In the spirit of today's story, it's about practicing mindfulness. And I know mindfulness can be a buzzword, but I know mindfulness as having a conversation with yourself. And I've actually asked Dr. D. Right. I'm like.

She says, have a moment where you pause and take a deep breath and realize that you can have a perspective of you looking down on you. And then you can even go deeper than that, and you can see that you're looking down on that person, looking down on you.

And so you can actually have a conversation with yourself and parent yourself, be the parent that you needed and have these mindfulness conversations. I always tell Dr. Dain, I'm like, so what you want me to do is, like, talk to myself like I'm in a mental institution.

She's like, just fucking talk to yourself. And she goes, Exactly. That's mindfulness. That'd be crazy. Talk to yourself. And I'm like, you know what? I have found that it actually works.

Because on top of all of this, I've also learned that I have ADHD. And I always knew this, right? But in the 80s and 90s, girls were never diagnosed.

It's like you had to be like a hyper boy that's bouncing off the walls to be diagnosed with that. But for me, I tend to be sporadic and bouncing all over the place, and I tend to hyper focus on things at the inopportune times. So.

So practicing mindfulness, when you say, like, what's this LFG energy?

For me, it's knowing that you're really capable of anything so long as you know exactly who you are and where you want to go and how you're going to get there is by having a conversation with yourself and asking yourself in those moments of darkness, in those moments of weakness, in those moments where you feel like a little hamster on a wheel and you're like, oh, my God, I'm working my ass off, but nothing's happening. And I want to press fast forward. I don't want to be in grief. I'm a happy fucking person. Can we just go and get out of this chapter?

Can we skip to the next one? But what I've learned in my darkest fucking times is that there will be more. There will be more.

You are lucky as hell if you've made it 42 years without any shit. And so I would challenge someone to be brave enough to pause, Pause for a second and have a conversation with yourself.

Check in with your body, check in with your mind. Because sometimes you should push through, but sometimes you should not. And you should pause and go, what do I need right now?

And then what's the next immediate step? It all starts with mindfulness. And I think that from there, everything will organically unfold. And you'll know what that next step is.

But you're never going to know. If you're always relying on other people and if you're always waiting for something to happen, you can't.

I could have easily stayed in a fetal position and wallowed longer, but I was like, this is not me. I'm not going to do that. I want the comeback. I'm ready. But this was the first time in my life that I paused.

And I'm glad that I did, because just like animals hibernate and just like leaves on a tree fall off during the winter, when you see that stick of a tree with no leaves on it. It is not dead.

Arjun: 00:31:34

No.

Taya: 00:31:34

And the only way it's going to get new growth is if it sheds everything. And it has to be still. It can't skip from summer to spring. It has to go through that process. So I think we shouldn't rob ourselves of what's natural.

If you're going through a dark season, it will end. But you have to be patient and use that time to look inward.

Arjun: 00:31:57

Well, I applaud you for sharing all that and it's an amazing lesson. I appreciate you being so honest and raw and open about all this.

And as one of your biggest fans, the Comeback is what I'm very excited to watch and I will. I have a front row seat to it, as do so many people that are listening to this.

And we're always behind you TAA and rooting for you and you lift up so many other people around you through your fight. And you know, as the expression goes, you fight, we fight. So keep doing it.

I'm proud of you as your friend and colleague and, you know, fellow steward of this industry and I appreciate you being on with us today and we'll do it again very soon.

Taya: 00:32:37

I can't wait. Thank you.

Arjun: 00:32:38

Thanks my friend.